Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I party with great urgency now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
