There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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