i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
