if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
