So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
