nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
