i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
