how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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