you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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