at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
