i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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