i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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