Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
