Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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