I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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