This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
