Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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