dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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