By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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