Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
