hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
