I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
