The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
