I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
