i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
