you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
