I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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