My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Is Oprah even human
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize