No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
