your parents love me but you hate me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
