i permit you to call me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
