anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
