I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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