I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
