I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you traded sex for a burrito?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
