Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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