I think my fart just growled at me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
