Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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