i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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