My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm really busy with my period
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