Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
