He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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