he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize