I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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