She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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