Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
