I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize