my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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