strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
