My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
