either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
