I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
