and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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