I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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