If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
