Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
