he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
