either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
