You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
