doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
