I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
