grandma shit on top of the toilet
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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