I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
